书摘 I am commencing an undertaking, hitherto without precedent, and which will never find an imitator. I desire to set before my fellows the likeness of a man in all the truth of nature, and that man myseff. Myself alone! I know the feelings of my heart, and I know men. I am not made like any of those I have seen; I venture to believe that I am not made like any of those who are in existence. If I am not better, at least I am different. Whether Nature has acted rightly or wrongly in destroying the mould in which she cast me, can only be decided after I have been read. Let the trumpet of the Day of Judgement sound when it will, I will present myself before the Sovereign Judge with this book in my hand. I will say boldly: 'This is what I have done, what I have thought, what I was. I have told the good and the bad with equal frankness. I have neither omitted anything bad, nor interpolated anything good. If I have occasionally made use of some immaterial embellishments,this has only been in order to fill a gap caused by lack of memory. I may have assumed the truth of that which I knew might have been true, never of that which I knew to be false. I have shown myself as I was: mean and contemptible, good, high-minded and sublime, according as I was one or the other. I have unveiled my inmost self even as Thou hast seen it, O Eternal Being. Gather round me the countless host of my fellow-men; let them hear my confessions, lament for my unworthiness, and blush for my imperfections. Then let each of them in turn reveal, with the same frankness, the secrets of his heart at the foot of the Throne, and say, if he dare, I was better than that man!' Having left Madme de Vercellis's house in almost the same state as had entered it, I went back to my old landlaty, with whom I remained for five or six weeks, during whichhealth, youth, and idleness again rendered my temperament troublessome. I was restless, absent-minded, a dreamer. I wept, I sighed, I longed for a happiness of which I had no idea, and of which I nevertheless felt me want. This state cannot be described; only few men can even imagine it, because most of them have anticpared this fullness of life, at once so tormenting and so delicious, which, in the intoxication of desire, gives a foretaste of enjoyment My heated blood in cessantiy filled my brain with girls and women; but, ignorant of the relation of sex, I made use of them in my imagination in accordance with my distorted notions, without knowing what else to do with them; and these notions kept my feelings in a state of most uncomfortable activity, from which, fortunately, they did not teach me how to deliver myself. I would have given my life to have found another Mademoiselle Goton for a quarter of an hour. But it was no longer the time when childish amusements took this direction as if naturally. Shame, the companion of a bad conscience, had made its appearance with advancing years; it had increased my natural shyness to such an extent that it made it unconquerable; and never, neither then nor later, have I been able to bring myself to make an indecent proposal, unless she, to whom I made it, in some measure forced me to it by net aavances, even though I knew that she was by no means scrupulous, and felt almost certain of being taken at my word. My agitation became so strong that, being unable to satisfy my desires, I excited them by the most extravagant behaviour. I haunted dark alleys and hidden retreats, where I might be able to expose myself to women in the condition in which I should have liked to have been in their company. What they saw was not an obscene object,I never even thought of such a thing; it was a ridiculous object. The foolish pleasure I took in displaying it before their eyes me to take, in order to gain actral experience of the treatment I desired,and I have no doubt that someone would have been bold enougt to afford me the amusement, while passing by,if I had had the boldness to wait. This folly of mine led to a disaster almost as comical, but less agreeable for myself. I arrived at Annecy, where I no longer found her. Imagine my surprise and grief! Then, for the first time, my regret at having abandoned Le Maitre in so cowardly a manner made itself felt. It became keener still, when I heard of the misfortunes that had befallen him. His box of music, which contained all his worldly goods, the precious box, which had cost such trouble to save, had been seized on its arrival at Lyons, in consequence of a letter, in which the Chapter had informed Comte Dortan of its secret removal. Le Maitre in vain claimed his property, his means of livelihood, the work of his whole life. The ownership of the box was at least open to dispute;but the question was not raised. The matter was decided on the spot by the law of the stronger, and poor Le Maitre thus lost the fruit of his talents, the work of his youth and the resource of his old age. Nothing was wanting to the blow which fell upon me to make it overwhelming. But I was at an age when great sorrow takes little hold, and I soon found means of consolation. I expected soon to hear news of Madame de Warens, although I did not know her address and she was ignorant of my return; and, as for my desertion of Le Maitre, all things considered, I did not find it so blameworthy. I had been of service to him in his flight; that was the only service I could reader him. If I had remained with him in France, I could not have cured him of his illness, I could not have saved his box, I should only have doubled his expenditure without being able to help him. This was the light in which I then regarded the matter: I regard it differently now. A mean action does not torture us when we have just committed it, but long afterwards, when we recall it to mind; for the remembrance of it never dies. ……
